ThisMarriedGuy’s Rules For Metra Travel

BNSF Riders:

Should you find yourself needing to take the Metra, particularly on a daily or semi-daily basis, these are rules that are now mandatory as a result of unacceptably stupid behavior.  Not following them to the letter will result in your ejection from the moving train somewhere in the neighborhood of the Congress Park overpass.

1. You have friends.  I have friends.  We all have friends.  Further, many of us have friends on the Metra.  Talking to these friends is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.  However, if your friend is standing in the entryway between two cars, and you are standing in the aisle of a car blocking the doorway so that your fellow patrons cannot pass you due to your inconsiderate positioning and your (ahem) girth, you will be summarily bludgeoned with a tiny laptop.  And your remains will be placed somewhere in which you will not hamper anyone in their attempt to simply get home to like, his hot wife and delicious lasagna and an ice-cold Guinness.  For example.

2. You have friends.  I have friends.  We all have friends.  And when you have a friend, you tell your friend stories of your life.  But if these stories entail your being a bastard to one or more members of your family, you will be removed and dealt with.  For example: if you’re a curmudgeonly old prick who feels the need to expound on how much time it would take you to get to your grandson’s school to see his play, and therefore, why this isn’t worth your time in spite of your friend’s obvious and horrified protests, you’ve pretty much contributed all you have to contribute.  See above.  (Note: if you fit into both #1 AND #2, you will be bludgeoned with a tiny laptop, an aging Motorola Razr, and a tightly-rolled Chicago Reader.  Twice.)

3. If your speaking voice is louder than an iPod at high volume or the screeching, roaring gears of the train itself, refrain from talking on the phone.  Something about not having the other person’s voice to temper yours is utterly unbearable, particularly when you’re discussing your menstrual cycle and your boyfriend’s shitty taste in restaurants less than one inch from my ear. Dump the asshole and see a doctor.  Quietly.

4. If you are taking up more than one seat because of ALL YOUR SHIT, freshly purchased on Michigan Avenue or not, you will be forced to pay for two seats.  You will also be forced to serve drinks to the rest of the riders who have been at work all day.  And possibly sandwiches.   And the Garrett’s popcorn you’re eating.

5. If you are eating the aforementioned popcorn, let me state the following in no uncertain terms: it does not matter to me how you eat popcorn when you’re by yourself.  You could strip naked, fill your bathtub with fifty pounds of Orville’s finest, dip yourself in butter, and flop around like a dying salmon on the fluffy mounds.  I truly don’t care. But I am begging you.  When you’re in public, do not lift the bag to your mouth, tilt your head back, and dump popcorn into your face until it’s falling out and filling your lap.  It looks disgusting, and no one will be surprised, sir, that you’re not wearing a wedding ring.  No one.

6. And finally:

If it is raining.

And if you decide to carry an umbrella.

Do not.

Again.

DO NOT.

Carry this umbrella in ANY FASHION other than point down, at your side, without exception.  Unless you want to arrive at your destination looking like you could be turned upside down and hung from a hook due to the umbrella handle sticking out of your ass, do not, goddamn it, oh, lord, do not poke me with your umbrella because you can’t juggle your raingear and your fucking iPhone at the same time.  (Apple is not to blame here.  But people need to calm down.  Your apps can wait until you’re seated.  No one’s solving that Sudoku for you, okay, genius?  You’ll have time.)

Adhere.  And no one gets hurt.  Thanks for cooperating. Note: “Metra” reserves the right to amend these rules whenever necessary or whenever blatant idiocy calls for such an update.

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~ by thismarriedguy on May 19, 2009.

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